I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.  He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

-- Jack Handey

Eskimo: If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?
Priest: No, not if you did not know.
Eskimo: Then why did you tell me?

-- Annie Dillard

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-- Will Shriner